Saturday, August 15, 2009

Bits and Pieces...

When I was born
I was loved by my parents
When I started to go to school
My parents’ love turned to phobia
They wanted me to be
Everything they desire
Piano class, Ju Suan class, swimming class, ballet class
And the lots…where is the love?

When I entered my teen,
I began to wonder
Why my chest is so much higher
and why do I need to ‘bleed’
making me sick and uncomfortable...

I began the journey of exploring,
conscious of myself
I wanted to look pretty
I started to make-up already
I want a life without parents' control
I hated their interference,
I hated it when they said
'Girl, you finished your homework?
why are you always talking on your handphone?'

I started LOVING myself more,
Now my friends are most important of all
I find my parents do not understand me …
I started to have ‘secrets’
‘Secrets’ that I shared with my friends,
because I think they understand.

Moving away from my parents mentally
Excuses ...the GAP... a generation gap!
Why my anger builds up every time they talk to me
I had to scream, I had to shout
I had to turn my face and shut my ears..out

My parents – why is my child behaving like this?
We cannot understand them anymore
What are the ‘youngsters’ thinking now a day?
They watch with concern but kept their silence..

I started crying – my first heartbreak...
I broke off from my boy friend...
it was like the end of the world
oh! could this happen?
I am so overwhelmed with grieve,
self pity and ME

When I started working,
I am a ‘matured’ young woman.
Guys swim around like fishes in the sea.
My mind are fed with fashions, brands and luxuries
and possible ‘available’ husband to be!

I picked the man I LOVE,
or I think he LOVEs me.
More are the cases – Most are not the cases!
I am the happy bride...
One day I woke up with a ‘thud’
My husband is not mine anymore..
why? why? Why?
Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?
Why that shit ‘woman’.. why not that shit ‘me’
Why am I so blind, why did I fell for his kind…
Why that sweet talking idiot
said all the things he didn't mean!!!!
and got me into this unacceptable whirlwind!

Anger, frustrations, pain, self denied, withdrawal,
Depression and sleepless nights
All because of this Man
who breaks my world like glasses
and leave me to pick up the pieces
My world shattered, my pain suffices, my tear flows
and the pain in my heart is killing me!
I can’t breathe, I want to die..
just buried me alive...

I forgot the LOVE of my parents
watching from afar…
I shut the door and pushed them ‘out’
oh! so long ago..
But I did not realized
they are going through pain…
when I inflicted pain on myself
because they have a LOVE that I owned
but I did not want..
a LOVE that wrapped around me like bandage
to protect me from 'damage’
BUT I tore them apart!
because I think I am smart

I started looking back..
No matter right and wrong
My parents’ arms are an opened 'Home'
A place I can rest before
I pick up my pace again.

I picked myself up, I moved on
I learnt my mistakes, and I’ll stand tall….
I am not shutting my heart to LOVE
So when the next one comes around..
I am prepared for love battle ground.

The world continues to turn,
things continue to happen
The same song will be sung over and over again
to different people in different land
Be it girl or man,
some are lucky and some are ain’t
But what the heck!
LOVE is the name..
that keeps the world both SANE and INSANE…ha.a.a.a.a.a!

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