You have been very brave. You have been very considerate and supportive. Since you said my blog is 'medicine' to you, now I am giving you another dose.
Appleteas, your blog belongs to you. It is a place created to put down your feelings. You have the right to post happy things when you are happy and say it when you are not. When you said that you are not happy and all these while you pretended to be happy pains my heart. You did it because you do not want us to worry about you. That is very sweet of you. Your family have caused you much pain. You have been enduring and that is why you have a blog..and that is to release stress. It defeats the purpose if you no longer can do so. You need not hide your feelings.
On my blog, I say all I want to say. I have the right to my opinion. I am human, I make mistake, I can be hurt, I have grievances, I want to voice my happiness and I want to voice my unhappiness. I do not want to hide. I know I have family members reading it as well as friends too. I want them to know how I feel. I am not GOD and I am not infallible. They either accept me for what I am or if they think that I am not worth being a friend, a sister, as sister-in-law, an aunty... I am fine. If being associated I need to hide my feeling, that is not me. I communicate my feelings and I never hide. I never avoid problems and I will talk about it and sort it out and clear the misgivings. I accepted the fact that not everyone can face a problem head on. To me, there is no forgiving or unforgiving.
Recently I am hurt both physically and emotionally by people from 'bloodline'. There are so many incidents in a short span of 3 months. I had an accident recently and I hit my chest on my driving wheel because I brake to avoid a collision with a car in front of me, he already hit another car in front. None in 'bloodline' asked. I posted it on the blog and Alice and family asked, my friends asked, 丘妈妈 and my cyber friends too - so does this speaks volumes?
I believe in the spirit of Christmas. It is the time of the year for Joy, Peace, Amendment and Thanksgiving. However I started with these thoughts and went about buying gifts but now it is meaningless. Wishing me a blessed Christmas… how blessed can I be and blessed by who? Instead of praying for me, pray so that you see light in your heart. Christmas is a few days away. I do not pretend it is Merry... not for me. A person can only be happy and blessed when the person is at peace with himself and others.
I have not washed dirty linens in public but I supposed these are washed behind my back. How many are affected by the ‘bad odor’? I already know. I am accused of being sensitive so if I am not told and I have to guess – am I sensitive? Therefore I decided I better wash it up here and not behind the back of anyone. I am doing it with compassion. After this, I am letting it go……
To Ed, thank you. I am sorry I soiled your Armani shirt. Thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on and I shall buy you a new one.
To Alice and Philip, thank you for giving me a roof above my head, for all the herbs and soup and food, care and love so sincerely.
To Junice and Family, thank you for having me with you and giving me the warm of a family. I love MingQian so much and he gives me so much joy.
To Joo, thank you for keeping me company on the anniversary of my mother’s death. You do not know how much it meant to me during this period when I am so hurt and alone.
To HwaLing – I got lots to thank for. Although you never asked what is wrong with me, you gave me a family to spend Winter Solstice so that I am not alone on such day of family reunion.
To SuiHunn, thank you for your unfailing believe in me.
To all my Gurus and Teachers – Kalachakra timely arrival showed me the way out.
To all my protectors – thank you for the punishments. Thank you for keeping at bay all harms and let me learn from all hurts. Not to be bitter but with compassion and love.
To all my readers and visitors, thank you for making my blog valuable.
I may not be a Christian but I know the message of Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone...