INTENSITY.....my word of the day!

Today is not a good day for me. My heart is bleeding not 'Romeo is bleeding' of Bon Jovi's 'Always'. I think my blood pressure has shot up to at least 180 degree. I told myself to remain calm.

My staff prepared macaroni for me. She heated it up and put it in front of me but I lost my appetite. The fragrance of the chicken and the soup is tasteless. She warned me that there are chili paddies but I did not feel the burnt. She came by and asked me again whether the food is OK and I said 'Yes'. I did not want to hurt someone who has so kindly thought of me when she is preparing food in the morning. I am sorry.

Being a frank and opened person is not an advantage. People are just too sensitive. People like me are too tense to be associated with. Openness is not a virtue. Frankness is not seen as sincerity. Anyway who wants sincerity? The word should be hypocrite or sound better EQ.

Recently my niece posted something on hypocrisy. I kind of agree with her although there is a fine line between hypocrisy and EQ. We just want to be congenial to everyone so we just agree to be agreeable.

When we do not like someone, we pretend to be cordial in front of them. When we hate to do something, we have to agree to appear to be agreeable. When we hate someone, we pretend everything is fine but in our hearts we are saying ' Get the hell out of my life'. When we have no desire to be in the company of someone, we pretend to say 'yes' when we are asked. Not me, I am a rebel.

Loyalty is dead. Kindness is also dead. People are selfish. They only think of themselves. They just want you to agree with them and if you don't you are outcasts. People do not speak what is in their mind, they beat around the bush. It is Live and Lets Live, in corporate world it is You Scratch my Back and I Scratch Yours!

I am blamed for being unreasonable. I am blamed for upsetting some calm mind to the extend that the Mind lost focus on work. Now I lost my mind as well. I am blamed for ' I cannot understand WHY you are so intense and reacted that way'.... I cannot understand....I cannot understand... I cannot understand!!!!

I just kicked myself in the face. For all my actions and verbal actions...I always explained myself. I regretted doing so. Because people only Listen, they do not Hear. They are so full of themselves....do not bother to try and understand. They only know 'I am Hurt'...but not 'I have hurt you'.

How far can a person go...if a person do not know how to put aside work....and worries?

I need to throw flowers and flower garlands over myself...for being the best Hypocrite around. When I am down with worries over my parents’ illness, I have to go to work with a 'sane' mind. I have to concentrate, smile, focus, work....the company should not suffer because I got problems. When I am down with financial problems, I go to work with a smile. I owed the company and they pay me the salary to work and not bring my problems to work. I thought of all kinds of ways out of my financial problems....at one time I am thinking of selling myself, it did not happen. I found myself a job...when I finish at 6pm, I rushed off to another job that starts at 7.30pm. It finished at 12 midnight and by the time I reached home and bathed and sleep, what time is it? I did not shortchanged the company and blamed it on anyone for my problems. When I don't have a house to stay as the Owner wanted the place and we have no money, I did not shortchange the company with my problems. WHY should I be blamed when Mind cannot focus?

I have always been sincere, considerate and think for others. I always standby people when they are angry with something, unhappy with something and upset with something. What did I get? I am feeling like a FOOL! I never asked for gratitude.... GRATITUDE is dead long ago. I just asked to be treated FAIRLY....fairly is also dead. It is only people you care about that you treat them fairly. The funny thing is Mind picked my problem to the extend that I am wrong.....and....the excuse....I want to be happy. The Mind forgets that when it is upset....who standby? Mind forgets...you know why Mind forgets - simple answer lah!

The best part is Mind does not know what upset me? THAT IS KILLING ME....Oh My Dear God... I KNOW NOW... I DEFINITELY KNOW...MY SCORE IS 'ZERO'.

I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT! No need to tell me. I tell myself. I asked for it...not the game show...but in true life.

So finally I ACCEPTED the facts. I dig my grave and I better sleep in it myself. After all some innocent people may falls in so better I fall in. The reason because I KAY POH! Next time anyone...before you KAY POH, think twice!

My reputation is probably BAD! News probably gets around to all LONG AGO - from A to Z. That I am an extremist. That I torture people by upsetting them. They want peace and happiness. I am Creator of Unhappiness....

People take advantage of kindness. Friends, relatives and strangers alike. Too bad, I am not MISS CONGENIALITY! I am not running for Miss World contest. I do not need to collect VOTES.

So, you either accept me for what I am.... OR...stay away!

.....VENTING...IS THE WORD OF THE DAY!