Being accused...

Some years ago, a Boss told me 'Lian, you don't need friends'. I was thinking to myself why she said that. Is she having difficulties in getting friends? Or she is not able to find friends. That was back than when I did not understand the meaning of friends.

There are different types of people in the world. Some are loners, some could not keep a friend, some have friends everywhere, some wanted true friends. Being friends need good affinity. Some friends come by when you are in trouble, see you through your troubles and disappeared. Some become your friends for life.

I got a message from someone who is very special to me, someone I call friend. However I believe our friendship would have been a life time but it takes a big heart to keep a friend. A friend is not infallible, a friend is not one who will not make mistake, a friend is not one who is forever cordial and congenial, a friend is not one who dare not behave or show her feelings when she is bitten by it. A friend dare to behave like this because a friend thought that a friend would understand.

Today when I am being accused of being in the 'mood' for two to three years amused me. NO, how can the facts be so wrong?

I do not want to explain myself to her. People forget why they behave that way so the finger points at another party. It is OK. I can accept this accusation because I accepted the fact that 'nothing is forever'.

When I am down and need a ear, where are you? When I behave like an idiot, did you find out why? When I called you, you were cold. When I emailed you, you were not encouraging. When I dated you, you turned me down and I understand. Now that when I turned you down, you accused me for being in the 'mood' for two to three years now?

Did you know I need someone to listen when I decided to quit my job? Did you know I lost my dearest brother in a car accident and he died so violently a week or so ago. You did not bother to find out why I turned you down and accused me for being in the 'mood'? Yes, I am in a 'mood'...a sad mood.

Yes, you would say that 'Hey, aren't you practicing Buddhism? Why are you behaving this way?' A practising Buddhist understand impermanence and the Law of Cause and Effect. This does not mean that person is a stone without feeling and compassion. If I am not able to feel for the death of a love one, what conditions do I have to practice compassion and Bodhicitta? I do not want to show the world that I had lots of compassion for sentient beings when I cannot even feel for my lost of a brother.

I know I will need to let him go and I have to let him go. How can I make merry when I am in the mood of mourning? Therefore I think the older people are wise when they said 'You will feel pain only when the needle pricks you.'

I am sorry and I think I have the right to choose to say Yes or No to a meeting. I have the right to choose who I want to see.

Now I know why my Boss said I don't need friends. Do you know?

It is not a nice feeling for being rejected, but this is just a meeting for a meal. If you lost track with your friend and did not keep in touch for too long, you will not know what happened. Your friend will also not tell you because you are disinterested.

To people who have friends, value your friends, forgive if you think that person is worth the friendship and everything that happened is a mirror effect.

I expect too much from a friend. After 20 years, I realized I had a friend.