For Appleteas...

I visited your blog today. My purpose is to send Season Greetings to you. After reading your post, I realized that I have overlooked you. Sorry for being insensitive.

You have been very brave. You have been very considerate and supportive. Since you said my blog is 'medicine' to you, now I am giving you another dose.

Appleteas, your blog belongs to you. It is a place created to put down your feelings. You have the right to post happy things when you are happy and say it when you are not. When you said that you are not happy and all these while you pretended to be happy pains my heart. You did it because you do not want us to worry about you. That is very sweet of you. Your family have caused you much pain. You have been enduring and that is why you have a blog..and that is to release stress. It defeats the purpose if you no longer can do so. You need not hide your feelings.

On my blog, I say all I want to say. I have the right to my opinion. I am human, I make mistake, I can be hurt, I have grievances, I want to voice my happiness and I want to voice my unhappiness. I do not want to hide. I know I have family members reading it as well as friends too. I want them to know how I feel. I am not GOD and I am not infallible. They either accept me for what I am or if they think that I am not worth being a friend, a sister, as sister-in-law, an aunty... I am fine. If being associated I need to hide my feeling, that is not me. I communicate my feelings and I never hide. I never avoid problems and I will talk about it and sort it out and clear the misgivings. I accepted the fact that not everyone can face a problem head on. To me, there is no forgiving or unforgiving.

Recently I am hurt both physically and emotionally by people from 'bloodline'. There are so many incidents in a short span of 3 months. I had an accident recently and I hit my chest on my driving wheel because I brake to avoid a collision with a car in front of me, he already hit another car in front. None in 'bloodline' asked. I posted it on the blog and Alice and family asked, my friends asked, 丘妈妈 and my cyber friends too - so does this speaks volumes?

I believe in the spirit of Christmas. It is the time of the year for Joy, Peace, Amendment and Thanksgiving. However I started with these thoughts and went about buying gifts but now it is meaningless. Wishing me a blessed Christmas… how blessed can I be and blessed by who? Instead of praying for me, pray so that you see light in your heart. Christmas is a few days away. I do not pretend it is Merry... not for me. A person can only be happy and blessed when the person is at peace with himself and others.

I have not washed dirty linens in public but I supposed these are washed behind my back. How many are affected by the ‘bad odor’? I already know. I am accused of being sensitive so if I am not told and I have to guess – am I sensitive? Therefore I decided I better wash it up here and not behind the back of anyone. I am doing it with compassion. After this, I am letting it go……

To Ed, thank you. I am sorry I soiled your Armani shirt. Thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on and I shall buy you a new one.

To Alice and Philip, thank you for giving me a roof above my head, for all the herbs and soup and food, care and love so sincerely.

To Junice and Family, thank you for having me with you and giving me the warm of a family. I love MingQian so much and he gives me so much joy.

To Joo, thank you for keeping me company on the anniversary of my mother’s death. You do not know how much it meant to me during this period when I am so hurt and alone.

To HwaLing – I got lots to thank for. Although you never asked what is wrong with me, you gave me a family to spend Winter Solstice so that I am not alone on such day of family reunion.

To SuiHunn, thank you for your unfailing believe in me.

To all my Gurus and Teachers – Kalachakra timely arrival showed me the way out.

To all my protectors – thank you for the punishments. Thank you for keeping at bay all harms and let me learn from all hurts. Not to be bitter but with compassion and love.

To all my readers and visitors, thank you for making my blog valuable.

I may not be a Christian but I know the message of Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone...

Festive Regards

I am sending out an early Season Greetings. Hope you like the above graphic done specially for all my readers.

Festive Regards
Lotus

Reflection....2008

Another year is coming to an end, ten days more to go and its over.

2008 is a happening year. People will remember it differently. It brings joy to some but this year brings sadness to many. Be it a micro or macro aspect, it did make an impact.

Today while reading the papers, the stock pictures of Sizchuan Earthquake makes my heart ached. The picture of dug up bodies of a mother bending over her child trying to protect him/her but both perished in this disaster. Further picture of two pairs of legs with bodies buried under concrete. It has a picture of a water bottle and books neatly by its side...whose children are these...did their parents make it safely? This is not the pain of China and her people. This is the pain of all who are human. Such pain knows no boundary...it is universal.

There are pictures of Typhoon Nagris in Myanmar. People looking at submerged home. Many lost families and love ones. Countries in the world responded to a Military Government who blocked immediate assistance in such time. I tried contacting the people here and organizations etc. Effort to collect items for Myanmar is not a problem..the problem is how to get it into the country and after that how to get it to the people. I have no words for such actions.

The Mumbai bombing...what does the terrorists want? Singapore lost one of her citizen. She is a heroine. I wonder at that point of time, what was on her mind? Her parents, her siblings, her beloved husband, will she make it. Apparently she did not. I lost colleagues in this saga. Did the terrorists get what they wanted? Is this the best way out of frustrations for unfulfilled expectations? Who are the masterminds? Probably with tons of bloody monies and hiding somewhere and let innocent do the job and die for them. The World system has its cause. Everything has its Karma and its timing - all these shooting will not change anything. Hatred only begets Hatred.

Final call from God. Time is up. The Bali Bombers get what they did unto others. They are saints in the eyes of supporters. They fight for a course. They believe they are doing the right thing. Is there a better way out other than killing? A friend said 'Aye Kawan, cannot hurt the government, hurt the people lah.' When I saw pictures of them, their families and friends - is there a better way to proof what they do is right?

The Financial C.R.U.N.C.H .... left many jobless, homeless and 'moneyless'. Before this happen, every country is holding up their power. The citizens are holding up their pride. They fight and look down on each other - what first world country, third world country and the stateless. What now? Did you realize we are Global Citizens? Something happen to one country, the whole world is sitting on fire. Previously the Rich gets Richer. Now they are poorer by half or even more. What goes around comes around.

I recently heard a joke..and I fell of my chair laughing. One man A asked another man B - how are things with you? B said 'I am getting along'. A asked again 'Can you sleep?'. B said 'I sleep like a Baby'. Isn't that wonderful to sleep like a Baby... I was thinking to myself. Before I could open my mouth to comment... B said 'Ya, like a Baby, wake up cry lor'. Ha.a.a.a.a, so very true...Baby wakes up crying...ha.a.a.a.a.a. I have nothing against the Rich. Lessons in life are planned up there... only the Universe can have the 'unseen' hand to teach mankind a lesson. Maybe it is time we do away with money and batter trade instead.

The World is melting.. 'O'-zone, that 'Hole' up there is getting bigger. Why is it getting bigger? If you saw the movie 'An Inconvenient Truth', you probably already have an answer. I recently saw a picture....something about North Pole...closest to the 'Hole'. Penguins line-up and one by one got suck up by the 'Hole'. To where? God knows. Maybe to a better place in another dimension. Even the penguins do not want to live in this World. Should we all go there and line-up and get suck up as well? Chances are 'It cannot be worst than here', right?'

The above are some issues.. I got more and if I continue to write. You guys will fall asleep and I probably go into G-Book of Record 'Longest Blog Post' and win myself some Awards and recognitions.

So much for my wise cracks...Actually I am doing a 'stocktake' or maybe the word 'Reflection' sounds better. I always tell people to look inside, so I better look 'inside' too.

2008

1) Got promoted. Never dream it will happen. What it means? More benefits, higher pay, allowance is a one month salary of a junior manager and allocated shares. Sorry, I am not boasting. I suddenly realized - all these come too late. My Mother is not here to share it with me. Given a choice, I want my Mum.

To those who aspire to move up the corporate ladder, it won't come overnight. It is years of hardwork, commitment, willingness to walk step by steps, upgrade my Brain, don't politic, don't back-stab, don't curry-favor Boss, don't get 'scare' to be shoot from behind (only people who are good get shoot from behind you know why? I just told you the answer). Remember, I only need a place to sleep, food to fill my stomach, clothes to cover my naked body...and finally a piece of land the size of a grave or a niche in Mandai or some temple. Maybe my ashes will be food to some fishes in the sea. I count my blessing and take stock...

2) Money is not everything. It cannot buy happiness and health. It cannot buy true friends. It cannot buy family as well. If you have all these, they are your greatest TREASURE but only when it is true and cordial.

3) Family is no match for friends. I take stock …

4) Oh, my BAD temper. My temper is so.o.o.o BAD. Am I going through menopause? Ha.a.a.a.a Maybe, maybe not. I meditated the whole night and I am having 'panda' make-up around my eyes. I finally realize why my blood pressure shoots up to 180. It is 'communication'. It is beating around the bush, finding excuses, not coming up front to share, to discuss, to communicate. ‘Communication’ is all I wanted. I did not get and I got to guess – I responded to ‘fanning’. Aya! Now I am branded as BAD temper to the extent that I need to be avoided. I need to take a re-look at myself. I asked myself WHY the hell did I lose my temper?.... Aya! still the same thing ‘Communication’ but this time it coupled with ‘Care, Concern and Love’…. If it is people I HACK CARE…. Will I respond the way I did? ‘Hor!, so now I see’. I take stock....

5) This do not belongs to me. I heard it 1000 times and I am sure you guys heard it 1000 times or more. ‘You just have to make one mistake (not even your fault), the 1000 good things you did cannot be use to balance the score. I am told that I am nice, I am good …. Ha.a.a.a my ‘niceness’ and ‘goodness’ – cannot balance the score card.

My friends, let me tell you this – if someone you think is not nice to you, think again. Don’t point finger at that person too fast. Don’t be defensive. ASK … ‘did I invite the BADness’. Many of us are so use to nursing our so called ‘wound’ and forget that we have ‘wounded’ others. I take stock...

6) Happiness is relevant. I realized that I have caused ‘unhappiness’. That is never my intention. Now I do not deserve to be happy. The unhappiness will go on… how can one be happy and go around pretending that nothing happen? Let alone family, even if it is a non-family member, I cannot be happy too. My bad Karma.

7) I thank MUM. Since young she drilled into me and my siblings ‘When others give you assistance and kindness, always remember – 得人恩惠千年记. Old school right? MUM is from old school, what to do. She also said ‘When you do kindness and assisted others, no need to remember’. You do not seek gratitude. If you do, your actions are no more pure. Therefore what I do for my siblings and others, I have forgotten. Lucky my brother and my sister who are with me in this adopted family have the same thoughts – we go all out to help.

Influence of a Mother is GREAT. Count yourself lucky if you have a Mother who is able to speak to you wisely in time of trouble. But now a day, Mothers are protective. Their children are always right and that is WHY discipline went down the drain. I take stock of this too…

So look likes 2008 to me is more emotional and family based. At work, I am great until the Credit Crunch. I am not thinking of my own pocket, I got more than enough. I am thinking of junior staff. Looks like no bonus this year. How are they going to buy books, make uniforms, pay school fees for their kids and with all the festivals around the corner?

I posted pictures of beautiful scenery. You saw the reflection on the water? Reflections are beautiful… they are so because the real things are beautiful.

Taking this opportunity to wish everyone a Safe 2009… safe in health and safe in your career. Be prudent this period. Let the World sort herself out and we will see a new Tomorrow.

Today is 'Dong' Festival (Winter Solstice). Wishing everyone a happy and peaceful day. It is a day of family reunion and a day to consume 'Rice balls' to signify 'completion' and happiness. My planned dinner for the family is not going to materialize after all. What a way to end 2008!

Cheers

My Beloved Mum....

The month of December is a festive month but to me it is the saddest month.

12th December... the day Mum passed away two years ago. I have never imagined a life without Mum. Mum, someone who loves me unconditionally. Mum someone who protected me, standby me, praised me when I did right, scolded me when I am wrong, provided me a platform to learn and reason, taught me how to put others before myself. Mum, taught me gratitude. She taught me to remember what others did for me and return kindness.

The final hour is still so vivid in my memory. She looked at me, just looked at me. There were unspoken words because she had said all she wanted to say. She had given instructions to my siblings. I only learnt about it now, thank you Mum for being so considerate.

You have complimented me on my contribution and dedication to the family. You have expressed that you have lived a full life with no regrets. BUT Mum... I have prayed for you to stay on, do you know? Even if I have to carry you on my shoulder and run around the World a million times, I am not able to repay your Love.

I saw you weaken every time you went into hospital and back. You stayed because I prayed for you to. I was reluctant to let you go but finally I realized that I am selfish to hang on to you. I stopped praying for you to stay but instead for you to leave if time is up and that you leave in peace. You did.

When December comes, the sky rains and my heart bleeds...for a Mum I missed so much – my anchor, my pillar and my strength!

When I was a baby you picked me up
Cuddled me in your loving arms
Provided me a sanctuary of safe haven
Away from the 'elements'

When I started running and went to school
I discovered a whole new world out there
Playing, learning and all the extra
activities to try and bring out my talents.

When I stepped into secondary and JC's years
I was engrossed with school works and making friends
Moving away from parents were subtle.
I no longer want to tail behind my mother.

Mum watched and nagged, guided and scolded
For my good, for my safety to guard my modesty
I rebelled, I bargained and compromised
to get my way around
mostly, because she loves me so.

Years slipped away so quickly
I stepped into the working world
A young lady
Ready to play my part in the society
To realize out there is not as fun
As it seems to be

Along the way I stumbled and fall
Achieved some and lost out some
I learnt as I went along
Full of burises from trails and errors
Something I have to learn to tender.

One day I woke up to know my parents were aging
My responsibilities were increasing
For love, can I just walk away into matrimony bliss?
Away from my parents, my country, my home?

I chose to stay, I buried myself in work
I do courses after courses
to be on par with my peers
And to match up to the working world

With a blink of an eye,
Dad said ‘Good-bye’ and
now Mum did same
leaving me at lose end....

Like a kite, the string is broken
Where is my anchor?
Where is my solace?
Who to confide and
who to wipe away my tears?

Come December, the last month in a calendar
A full stop to a life force….to loosing Mum.
Mum, I will never stop missing you
If there is another life time
I will still be your child.



TRIBUTE TO A GREAT WOMAN, A GREAT MOTHER AND A WONDERFUL PERSON....My Mum